The U.S. unemployment rate hovers at five percent, which is great news. But for those still looking for work, the forward-thinking governor of North Carolina has come to the rescue with a promising new career track. The job posting beckons to anyone with discerning vision, an ability to make snap judgments, and a sense of irony so delicate and refined that Franz Kafka would smile with tender recognition. On your marks, five-percenters!

Seeking collegial self-starters who enjoy judging people for exciting new opportunity at state-owned rest facilities across North Carolina.

Job Posting Title: Bathroom Facility Control Gender Monitor

Hours: 8-1o hours/day, or until you keel over from the horror of it all.

Required Skills: You must be comfortable in a professional working environment in which ambient smells and sounds may become overpowering at times. You must be capable of speaking with authority over the roar of a minimum of five commodes firing simultaneously, and you must enjoy staring inappropriately at every person who crosses your path. You must be able to walk away from patrons who mockingly address you as “Bathroom Bill” or “Bathroom Billie.”

Further, you must be willing to lunge up from your wobbly, splintery chair, stick out a hand sheathed in a sanitary plastic glove, and say with a veneer of aggression covering your fear, “Step back, big guy! Got a birth certificate for me?” Alternatively, while a vein bulges menacingly from your forehead, you may be required to say: “Hold on, sister! It’s me and the law standing between you and that stall.”

Level of Experience: Preference given to applicants with previous experience in multi-toileted environments.

Proof of Citizenship: You must be from here, not there. People from there should go back there and not ever come back here.

Benefits: Generous bathroom break policy; chance to protect America; opportunity to levitate, if capable of levitating, and glimpse a single pulsating star through the broken window at rear of facility.