(1) Self-Flushing Toilets These aggressive contraptions act like they have minds of their own. And that is not a comforting thought.

(2) Dreams About Teeth Of all the archetypal dreams I’ve had, the one about teeth falling out is surely the worst. A handful of teeth–arghh!

(3) Extraneous Noise When I run for President, my slogan will be: “A Quieter America.” Goodbye, leaf blowers, jet skis, wind chimes, espresso machines, and air conditioners that drown out the sound of crickets.

(4) Paisley Tissue Boxes The sage of Farm Colony, Roberta Culbertson, and I have discussed the increasing hideousness of tissue box design. Forget the goofy designs–just give us a solid color. Anything would be better than the ones decorated with amoebas, aka paisley.

(5) Oddly Flavored Crackers No self-respecting parrot would want a cracker that tastes like key lime pie or whatever. Same goes for me. The cracker companies should have stopped experimenting after they discovered sea salt.

(6) Evil Socks Socks that slide into one’s shoes, socks that attract lint, and socks that stain one’s toes on a rainy day–let’s just say they have an agenda and it’s not a good one.

(7) -ish Swedish is fine. Squeamish is fine. “A rare-ish opportunity” (to quote the current issue of Vanity Fair) is not fine.

tissue box